My first burn, i connected with my “playa boyfriend”, a man who became my lover and with whom i connected so strongly it kinda scared me. a year and a half later, we’re friends on facebook but barely comment on each other’s lives – yet i know he spends hours chatting with mutual friends. he wasn’t on playa this year, but will be next.

I felt embarrassed and nervous about seeing him on playa for Rites of Passage but he wasn’t able to come. i was relieved in a way when i learned he wouldn’t be there. i was also disappointed in myself for not having been more true to the feelings i had with him, that i had not made them a reason to stay connected with him, but instead let my life get in the way.

When i see him next year, he’ll get a huge hug from me. the love i felt (feel) for him was real and he’ll always be my first Playa Boyfriend. it took a second burn to understand why it’s ok. i had to see the reconnection, the people coming out of the dust with huge smiles for those they haven’t seen in a year (or years), the big wet sloppy kisses, the laughter, the Welcome Home hugs.

As a friend of mine wrote me about this article, “nowhere in the definition of the word ‘meaningful’ will you find the word ‘permanent’.”

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I think that it’s best to just understand that all relationships are as they’re supposed to be. A transforming connection can last a few hours or a few years… and there is nothing less or more about it. It serves you what you need, no more, no less.

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First, there’s the behavior that The Hun describes above – how much he likes falling into a deep conversation with a stranger on the playa for a period of minutes or hours, and then parting ways with no contact information exchanged. My first year on the playa I experienced this several times and I confess I found it to be one of the most difficult interpersonal challenges of the BM experience.

I found myself kind of obsessing about people who had seemed like such kindred spirits, and who had simply disappeared into the dust without looking back. How could they? Were they not feeling it too? Was it something I said?

With a little more experience I have come to understand that this is one of the signature behaviors on the playa, and that it offers a kind of magic, though it can still be vexing.

In terms of sustaining relationships with those people with whom you DO exchange contact information, just a couple of quick comments. First, let’s not dis Facebook too offhandedly – it offers a real way to stay connected, and there are hidden depths there if you plumb them (instant messaging, sending each other videos, sharing of various kinds). Google+ offers live video connections, even. A private FB or G+ group for your camp or circle can offer real group cohesion across distance and time, and can deepen relationships.

My experience with being Facebook friends with people I met on the playa is that through the trickle of posts and online interactions I discover that they also have other common interests, or perspectives, or history, or even friends – making for much richer interactions next time we talk or meet.

But more than that, I would offer that if you make a real connection with someone, and want it to be sustained over time and distance, whether you make that connection at Burning Man or at a friend’s wedding or any other temporary gathering, it takes mutual effort and energy. Relationships take work. Sometimes we walk away and savor the memory, and sometimes we choose to put in the effort over Facebbok or through postcards or phone calls or plane tickets. Staying connected to someone is a gift you give them. And we’re expert gift-givers, right?

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It’s settled. That’s your term. Consider it an early 2012 playa gift.

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Anyway, here are my contributions re: naming conventions for playa-only friends:

Dustbunnies
Playa Posse
Playa Peeps
Burning Clan
Dustworthies (contraction of “dusty trustworthies”)
Playans (sounds like “Mayans”)
Chilgrims (Like “pilgrims,” but far more congenial toward indigenous peoples)
Thrilgrims (Yep, I’m being lazy)
Embers Only™ (terrible idea, great pun)
Center Champs/Vamps
En Masse-tronauts
Oz-monauts
Muggles (Note: potential copyright issues)

Great writing, Caveat. Much appreciated.

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What you are calling Burner Buddies are really just single-serving friends, you can find those anywhere and not just at BurningMan.

I’m not interested in making single-serving friends. If that is all you want, then don’t waste my time.

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